We all get older. Unfortunately, some of you may have to deal with amputation at the same time. Though you don't have much control over aging, you do have some power and control over the way you see yourself when you lose a limb. Here, I will discuss the phases of loss as aging and limb loss occur simultaneously and focus on reframing your mind, which can help you cope more successfully with your loss.
As you age, some of the key issues you may face are:
- Feelings of dependency
- Depression
- Helplessness
- Loss of control of your body and life
- Financial problems
- Reduced social life
- Physical illness, pain and other medical or health problems.
All of these problems will likely be intensified when an amputation occurs. Change is hard after all. You have lived decades with the way your body has looked, and you have used your limbs to do things without much thought. And now what you have taken for granted - the way you look, the way you move - has to be looked at in a different way, and you have to reacclimate into the world.
So what do you do?
Initially, you deal with the multitude of feelings having to do with your loss. A part of your body is no longer with you, and you have to deal with your anger, sadness, helplessness, loss of control, etc. Since amputation is grief process, this may take some time. It is the death of a part of your body and a loss to the way you have previously lived your life. It's something that in some ways you will have to deal with every day with every action you take. The good news is that as time passes, the feelings of loss, although still there, will be less intense.
You can choose to learn to cope with life differently by changing the way you think. Mind and body affect each other greatly. If you think less of yourself or are mad at your body, you are likely to sleep less, eat more/less, and not let other people near you. Can you imagine how much just these three things can affect your thinking, your concentration, your focus, how you get support, and how quickly your body heals? How you think and how you feel about your body and your limb loss is central to what you will do the rest of your life.
Imagine yourself as a camera, the photographer, the lens, the film. You can choose which picture to take, what to focus on, and which lens you will use to view your limb loss and your life.
Perhaps you will choose the close-up lens and focus on how your limb loss looks - the scars, the flabby skin, the way clothes don't fit like they did before. Perhaps you will get stuck there. What can you do? You can choose to look at these realities up close for a while and then in time choose to place them in the background and focus instead on other things about your body and your life. Your essential tools are patience and a willingness to reframe the camera lens.
This doesn't mean that you have to deny your feelings; it just means that you will need to look at your life and your limb loss in a different way. Are you willing to do this? Are you willing to see that in a very real way in your everyday life, you can learn new ways of doing and being? You aren't as helpless as you believe. You have lost a limb, but you have not lost yourself or your ability to voice what you are thinking and feeling.
Watch out!
Always remember that what you think determines what you do in life. Some thoughts might, however, be deceiving you about your physical, mental and emotional self?
Physical
Your thoughts may say, “Now that I am an amputee, I look different. Losing a limb means that I am a different person and that all I was in the past has disappeared.”
Is this really true? Of course, you look different now and there are obvious changes and adjustments that you will have to make as an amputee, but are you really all that different? Before your amputation, was your physical appearance your only feature that mattered? Are you only your physical body? No. Certainly you are far more than your physical appearance; you have skills, talents, characteristics like compassion, integrity, love, understanding, etc. Are these parts of you less important than your limb loss? Certainly not - so stop thinking this way!
How else can you tell your mind to stop telling you lies about your body? Decide to change unhealthy habits, make lifestyle changes, and take more control of your life. You can start exercising, for example, which can help you control your weight, boost your energy level, and reduce depression and stress. If you smoke, drink alcohol, or overmedicate, it's a good time to stop. If you eat too much or the wrong foods, it's time to eat right. Often we indulge in unhealthy habits because we are unhappy, nervous or depressed. Get some professional help.
Mental
“A study that has been ongoing for 50 years has found that a flexible personality is one key to aging well,” notes Dr. Peter Lichtenberg. Limb loss, of course, is a new experience but, just as with aging, it is likely that the more flexible and openminded you are, the more quickly your body will heal and the better your life will be.
Your thoughts may say, “I'm too old now to learn to live with limb loss. I don't think I can cope. It's just too hard to live without all of my body parts. So many of my friends have died and those who are living won't know how to deal with me. They may, in fact, not even want to be around me anymore. Who cares anyway? Who knows how many years I have to live?”
So how should you respond to such harsh and negative thoughts? First, be honest and admit that coping with aging and a limb loss is difficult, but do not get stuck and become paralyzed. Think back about how you've coped with other losses in your life. How you have coped with different types of loss in the past may determine how well you cope now with limb loss.
Your belief that your friends may not be able to deal with your amputation or limb loss and may abandon you is almost certainly not true. People who know and love you may just be waiting for you to tell them how involved they can be in your life. They too are undergoing a loss and may not know how to “be there” for you. In fact, they may be waiting for a signal from you to let them know what to do. The friends who may leave probably do so because of their own fears. Don't take this personally! Some people may just be unable to cope with these circumstances at this time.
If your mind is telling you that nobody cares and that you may not live much longer anyway, you may be stuck in depression. You should seek professional help. As far as not knowing how many more years you have to live, that's true for all of us. How we live the rest of our lives is what's really important. Quality matters, and there are ways to improve it. According to Dr. Lichtenberg, exercise is not just good for your body, but there are also exercises that you can do to improve your mind. He notes that according to ACTVE, the nation's largest study of cognitive training, training sessions for two hours a week over five weeks improved the memory, concentration and problem- solving skills of healthy independent adults 65 years and older.
How about learning a new skill or hobby? You can do art since art knows no age and the imagination is always with you. Research has, in fact, discovered a vital relationship between creative expression and quality of life. You can sing, paint, write or draw; all of these creative outlets enhance your functioning and add quality to your life. “It's stagnation that threatens the brain,” says Dr. Lichtenberg.
You can also change your attitude. If you have a sense of helplessness or dependency, be ready to amplify your voice and assert yourself clearly with confidence. Take an active role with your medical team and the other professionals in your life. Communicate the pain or discomfort you may be experiencing. Work as a team with them. The old belief that medical professionals were gods is not true. They are human beings who need your input to help you. If you are on medication, speak up if you think that you are taking too little or too much.
Emotional
Your thoughts may say, “I will never get over this loss. I won't be attractive to anyone anymore, and I won't be able to have an intimate or sexual relationship. I can't have anyone be that close to me.”
Those of you who have been in a longterm relationship before your amputation and have derived a lot of satisfaction from sex and lovemaking may, in fact, go to the other end of the spectrum. Since your thoughts affect your emotions, which in turn affect your actions, this often means that you may close yourself off from your mate. At first, this can be understandable (due to pain and discomfort); however, after a while, keeping your mate away may be a way of avoiding having to deal with the emotional outcome of your disability. Unconsciously, if you allow your mate to be sexual, you will have to admit that your beliefs about being attractive or sexual may not be true. The way to overcome these feelings is to communicate honestly what you are afraid of and then slowly have your mate touch your body, even where your limb used to be. Of course, the mechanics of sex or lovemaking may have to change (slightly), but don't be afraid of this. Allow your mate to touch you. She or he may not feel as negatively about your body as you do. This technique will often help you become more intimate and more sexual with your mate again.
If you are single, it might be a challenge to meet interesting people. It is for most of us, especially as we age and experience limb loss. Don't write yourself off, however. Losing a limb is not a turnoff to everyone. Be vulnerable, take risks and feel confident about yourself. After all, your life up to now has taught you many things. And one thing is that a potential mate who only cares about the physical aspect of you is superficial. Remember, how you think and feel about you largely determines how other people will treat you. If you are not open and ready, those who want to treat you well cannot get close enough to do so.
Other ways to help yourself
Since being “down in the dumps” because of aging and limb loss is normal at times, real depression can be tricky to recognize. It may be difficult to tell if your feelings are part of the normal grief process or something else. Determining the problem and getting the right type of treatment, including counseling, medications, or alternative treatments, such as exercise and proper diet, may help ease the pain of depression. Talk with your physician.
Don't isolate yourself. This can shorten your life span. Research has shown that people who are lonely often suffer from more health problems. If you are nearing retirement age or are already retired, it may be a great time to revive an old hobby or interest or to learn about something that has always interested you but that you didn't have the time to do before. You might also like to volunteer in your community. When people are active and “giving back,” they usually feel more fulfilled and less lonely. They are also more likely to feel better about their lives in general.
Focusing on the right things
As you experience aging and limb loss, you have power and control over which aspects of your life you choose to focus on. You can feed yourself images of self-respect, dignity and compassion and fill your surroundings with people who care about you, or you can get stuck, negatively focusing on how your body looks and allowing this small part of you to define your whole life. What images will you choose to focus on?
My wish for you is that you will choose the lens that will show all of who you are and will not limit you to your age and your limb loss.
Tips for Medical Professionals
|
Resources
Wayne State Institute of Gerontology Web site: www.iog.wayne.edu. Click on the “Aging Well” link. The Retired and Senior Volunteer Program, or RSVP, offers any man or woman over age 55 the opportunity to serve his or her community, explore new interests and stay active. With the help of RSVP, nonprofit organizations are able to enhance and expand the services they provide. www.seniorcorps.org/joining/rsvp
About the Author
Omal Bani Saberi is an above-knee bilateral amputee. She is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and a certified clinical hypnotherapist (CCHT) with Master's Degrees in Social Work and Counseling Psychology. She is a personal and professional coach who teaches “Less Stress for More Success” tools to increase the length and quality of your life. You may reach her by e-mail at bani@serenemind.com or call her toll-free at 888/OBS-PEACE (627-7322).
