I don't understand it. Ever since this foot amputation from my diabetes, several of my good friends don't come around anymore. They used to come to my apartment at least once a week and we would play poker. It's only my foot that's gone. I can still deal cards and play. What happened?

Smilin' Anyway

First of all, I'm glad to see you're still smiling. There's a lot to smile about in life, including this amputation project, even if others don't know how to deal with it.

The problem is your friends have to deal with your foot loss, just like you do. You, of course, can't escape it, even when you would like to. They can just stay away.

Why do they do that? They seemed like "good friends". The answer can be as varied as the people. Some people (probably most) just don't know what to say or how to act around us with our revised body. They are used to all the parts being there, just like theirs. Now there's a gap. As we roll through our heads thoughts of, "am I still the same person I used to be ?" they are doing the same thing. We're not sure if this outside change has actually made us into someone different than we used to be. Neither are they.

Sometimes, just our upbeat attitude with others will spread the word that our sense of humor is still intact and we don't get overly sensitive about the whole thing. Sometimes. with these folks, it takes our initiative to give them a call to let them know we're doing okay and looking forward to seeing them again. People are often afraid that they will slip and say something like, "My new truck cost me an arm and a leg." If we laugh and say, "Whoa, that sounds like a bit much!" they know that they can relax and chat with us like old times.

Maybe people saw or heard about a legitimate "down time" we had before or after surgery. Maybe they once saw or knew a person with an amputation who seemed angry or depressed. If they think we are still dealing with some hard feelings they could, understandably, be reluctant to encounter that.

For you, it sounds like it's been a few months. Your usual sunny disposition is pretty well back but these friends aren't. Well, maybe they weren't "friends" at all. They enjoyed playing cards but weren't willing to make a connection that was any deeper. 

Maybe they feel just insecure enough that being around someone with a noticeable difference is uncomfortable for them. Some people are just very superficial in their view of others. It's an adolescent thing that some never grow out of. They may have a prejudice against people with any kind of handicap. They may be afraid that this surgery of yours could one day happen to them.

So what do you do? For me, I might not have energy to deal with their issues for awhile (like a year). I'd focus on my own recovery and the great folks that are there for me. I'd get my own life rolling again and then consider if I really needed or wanted these people back in my life. If I really wanted to reconnect I would probably call or drop a note. Maybe by now I have new card playing friends--ones who don't care how many toes I have!!.